Confession Time - 2 Week Absence

The exact moment I began this downward spiral was at my sister's super bowl party. I knew it would be a difficult day for me, but I thought it would be one day of self indulgence followed by my regiment of hitting the treadmill. The truth is I don't snap back like that. One day of failure lasts for days if not longer, of self pity, doubt, insecurities, and wallowing in depression.

The food course went as follows: snacks, appetizers, dinner, and dessert. Mind you the party started at 3pm and went until 10. In 7 hours I probably consumed two days worth of food, calorie wise. Meanwhile, when I attend any other person's party, I barely have a bite. There's something about family that comforts me into being the pig that I am. I won't even eat a chip at a friend's party because I know "once you pop, you just can't stop." Not only that, I know people are thinking no wonder why she's so fat, look at her have at it. I'd much rather the connection of my weight and food seem more like a mystery. I would rather people think, she barely ever eats, I feel bad she can't lose weight.

While the super bowl party was a set back on my weight loss goals, this was just one of many misfortunes I've had. My last week of exercise was supposed to cover 15 hours of exercise, 5 to make up for a half a week's exercise missed. I started strong going 3hrs a day for 3 days straight. Then I was feeling a little sore and just overall tired. Every day that I didn't exercise I was counting down the days I had left to meet my goal. I cornered myself into the last day of the week. At this point I've given up on making up the 5 lost hours from the previous week, I just need to complete my original goal of 10. One hour of exercise and I'm done. Instead, I decided to be lazy and I accomplished absolutely nothing. I failed 2 weeks in a row.

Now it's the end of the month and it's time for me to hit the scale, hoping that my motivation will be found in a mystery number. I wanted to see at least 179, but honestly even losing 1 lb would have done something for me. I should have never gotten on that scale. I didn't lose a single pound. In fact, I gained .5. Well, I can excuse that because I know that I'm supposed to get my period any day now. So I decided to wait a week until my period was over and the number didn't change even by a tenth.

What am I doing wrong?

I mentioned to my mom that I was following the livestrong.com suggestion of 1400 calories based on my height, weight, age, activity level, and weight loss goals. She immediately told me 1400 was way too high. I guess I should have known that, but in the past I felt the calculations were right. Now I'm aware that I don't measure my food and that's probably cause for some miscalculations, but I gave a little buffer room with that in mind.

Since I've taken my 2 week hiatus, I'm completely lacking energy. I just want to sleep all day and I don't know what's wrong with me. When I tried to take a one-a-day energy pill it just made me feel weird. This has to be depression getting the best of me. Except I don't feel depressed, I just feel exhausted. Maybe the exhaustion is me burying my feelings instead of tackling them. Even in writing this I don't feel like I'm dealing with anything, just laying out the possibilities.

I'm starting to realize some errors in my ways.

I've come to the realization that the only people who can eat 5 small meals a day are people who don't enjoy food. Small meals consist of something low in calories and unenjoyable. I enjoy food thoroughly and I need to have my 3 large tasty main meals and starve myself in between.

I'm too goal oriented, and I pushed myself too hard once again. Who exercises 3 hours a day? Not even gym buffs do that. I need to take it easy and get back into a new rhythm. Now that my phases are messed up, naming them will probably be my excuse for not working out at all. Let's hope it's not though.

I'm not catholic but I'm going to use Lent as a reason to lose weight. I will stick to 3 meals a day. I will cut back on soda drastically replacing it with water. I will be on the treadmill an hour 5 days a week. I will do sit ups and stop being lazy. Someone tell me when Lent is over.

I think that covers everything I've been going through these past 2 weeks. I might end up updating this later.

Phase 2: Double Time - Week 3

Last weekend I went to an event where I was trying to get pictures and video. Since I was all the way in the back I did a lot of holding my arms high into the air to get unblocked footage. Needless to say, my arms were too sore for weights. The whole day was exhausting, standing up for 5 hours straight and carrying my 16lb on my shoulder, but my legs didn't hurt a bit. So instead of being lazy all week because my arms were in pain, I kept moving because my legs were doing just fine. Come to think of it, that's probably due to all the hard work I've put in thus far.

I did have a half week of double time to make up though. All week long I had opportunities and I let them slip right through my hands. I don't know why this happened, but I'm not happy it did. I'm determined to make up those 5hrs and this is my last week before my next weigh in. This means through hell and high water, I'm going to have to exercise 3x a day no matter what.

Luckily for me I have some motivation these next few days. There are exactly 3 days left in the Nike+ Conan vs. Leno challenge. Conan isn't that far behind, and if I really work my butt off, he could even win. While this is a team effort, I know a good portion of this is depending on me. I don't want to let Conan down! There is also burning off all the food I hate at the Superbowl Party (and my sleep schedule is upside down again, eek!), but that was the start of Week 4, so I'll leave it alone for now.

Nike + Conan vs Leno Challenge

During Week 3 I did good with counting calories. On days I exercised for 2hrs, I was always in my net calorie range of 500-1000. Sometimes I managed to be even lower too! Net calories are the calories you have after you take the total amount consumed - total amount burned.

RESULTS

Week 3: 10 1hr workouts, walking 33.83mi, @ 17'52"mi, burning 4664 cal.

ONE HOUR WORKOUT ROUTINE
20 min 3.0 mph
20 min 3.1 with
20 min 3.0 mph

Physical Appearance Update:
Even though this happened on Sunday, the start of Week 4, I still want to mention it before next week's weigh-in and post just in case it is discouraging. Normally I don't wear jeans because I haven't really had a reason to. I don't like to go out much in general and since I've been exercising 10/7 (get it 24/7, lolz), I've been in nice comfy pants. However, my sister had a party on Superbowl Sunday which forced me out of my house and into a pair of jeans.

They felt the slightest bit less tight, but the real difference came in how little of a muffin top I had in my size 13 jeans. My stomach is finally starting to shrink, even if the waist band isn't. They went from unbearably tight, esp. in my thighs, to fitting. just right. On the 13th I'll be forced into jeans again for my friends low-key Valentine's Day party, but at least I can feel comfortable not having to worry about my stomach. I'll just have to remember not to eat all the chocolate.

Holidays are days for skinny people to put on a couple of pounds while us less than skinny girls look a bit lighter in the week to follow.

Phase 2: Double Time - Week 1 & Week 2

I'm really proud of how hard I pushed myself during Week 1. I made a plan and stuck with it. As each day progressed I also began to feel more confidence. My lower arms and lower legs are firm with minimal fat. I've also started to lose weight from my sides. I can place my hands on the upper sides of my ribs and move my hands straight down a bit before I hit any curves. While a great deal of my fat is in my stomach, it's still a big deal to be able to cover a hand and a half distance of flat surface on my sides. It means I'm that much closer to losing from the area that will finally allow me to drop jean sizes.

To help further my goals, I started tracking my caloric intake at livestrong.com/myplate/. In order to lose 2lbs per week, my personal maximum caloric intake is set at 1,400. Whenever I crave chocolate or need a snack, I go to my Special K Delightfully Chocolate Cereal. It has actual mini bars of chocolate in it and it tastes amazing while extremely low in calories. By immediately logging in everything I eat, I instantly know if I have room or need to pace myself.

"People that keep food journals are more likely to lose weight. Why? Because there’s a lot of calories we eat unconsciously during the day."
- 92.3 Now

If you've never heard of 92.3 Now, they're a station set in NYC. They play a great selection of music, but the reason why I like them the most is because they are real. They openly discuss weight from time to time and they embrace the normal person.

Recently I had a heart to heart with my mom about making healthier choices like eating less meat and using smaller dinner plates. Since then she has really started to work with me. Every dinner I've had during Week 2 has been all around healthier. It meant a lot to me too since Week 2 was somewhat of a fail for me.

Here comes my list of excuses (I don't think they're half bad... but you tell me.):

I always say I have no energy, so any exertion that does not go to exercise pretty much wipes me out for the day. Week 2 was dedicated to chauffeuring my dad to different doctor's appointments, all over an hour drive each away. So 1 hr there + 1 hr back + all the waiting time in between, and then I'm asking where my day went?! After Monday and Tuesday I took 2 days of rest, and then wasted Friday because my Dad misread the date on the appointment card. Then on Saturday I went to an autograph signing which was also over an hour away and required 5hrs of standing. I know I'm using excuses here, but it was a little bit of overkill with all of that traveling I had to do this week.

I ate a bit more during Week 2 and exercised less than I had planned, but Week 2 wasn't a total fail. Instead of exercising Double Time, I only managed to fit a regular weeks worth of exercise in. On some days I ate much more than others, but my average caloric intake was balanced at the 1400 mark for the week.

My worst day this week was on Saturday. I didn't really eat all day and ended up going out to Red Robin for dinner. One amazingly tasty meal hit the 1400 mark, and over killed my fat intake for that day. I have no complaints about enjoying that meal, but it's so not worth it. I probably won't do that to myself again anytime too soon.

RESULTS

Week 1: 10 1hr workouts, walking 33.75mi, @ 17'53"mi, burning 4652 cal.
Week 2: 5 1hr workouts, walking 16.88mi, @ 17'52"mi, burning 2327 cal.


ONE HOUR WORKOUT ROUTINE

20 min 3.0 mph
20 min 3.1 with 10 mins of 2lb weights.
20 min 3.0 mph

UPCOMING GOALS

• Play Catch Up. Since I did a regular week as opposed to my goal of doubling it, I plan to add a week at the end if I don't manage to cover the 5 missed workouts in the meantime.
• No chin fat. I think I can accomplish this during the next week. I've already noticed I've lost weight in my face. No matter what, by the end of Phase 2, there will be no chin fat at all. The second I notice a fat free chin, I'll weigh myself immediately and use that as a reminder marker of why that weight is just too much.
• Sugar Worries. I recently heard that you shouldn't eat more than 15g of sugar in a day, because it's worse than eating actual fat. I don't know if this is possible, but I'm going to look further into this.

Phase 1: Results

I've learned a valuable lesson in life: Every time I quit on myself, I set myself back much further than where I started. Over the years I've tracked my weight on livestrong.com. In the last year, I started and stopped exercising twice, with months in between filled with self pity. The first time was in April at 175lbs, and again in August at 181. When the holidays came around I decided to let loose and not think about my actions and their consequences. I figured at most I'd put on 5lbs while I pounded back the sugar cookies, left overs, and anything else available in mass quantities.

I admit I have no self control, and that's why I hate the fact that my parents are fat. Fat people eat fattening food. It's a cruel cycle that I can't escape. In a perfect world my house would be limited to healthy foods in minimum quantities, so I could "overeat" without doing any real damage. As much as I beg and plead for healthier options, there is only so much that my parents can do set in their ways of over 50 years. I'm not going to even go into the fact that I should be old enough to move out... it's not plausible at this point in my life.

Alright, let me get to the results. After a month of walking an hour a day, at an admittedly slow speed, 5 days a week, with 10 minutes of 2lb weights thrown in during each workout... the month resulted in 190lbs. (UPDATE: 186lbs immediately after my period, which will be the number I use to compare.)

Now I'm not one for excuses, but I'm going to explain how I think these results occurred. I gained 15lbs between October and the end of December putting me in the 195 bracket. I exercised for a month dropping down to 190lbs. However, the results aren't even the most accurate because it was the day before I got my period and I weighed in at the end of the day, partially because my sleep schedule has been off again. Therefore you can see how these results are inconclusive.

With that being said, I know I can't continue my lazy lifestyle. I can't continue to start and stop exercising again because a yo-yo diet does too much damage on me emotionally. All those months and years wasted on self pity aren't worth the meager 6 or so months of hard work that it takes to get it off.

I'm not going to start being happy with myself until I get down to 170lbs. This number represents where I could have been last year if I didn't give up exercising at 173. It's only 20 lbs away and I have no doubt that I can get there in 2 months.

Phase 2 will be double time. Instead of walking for an hour 5 days a week, I'm going to bring it up to 2 hrs. Walks will now be at a minimum speed of 3.0 mph with 5% incline. The walks will continue to have 10 minutes of 2lb weights. I'm also going to start tracking my food intake at livestrong.com/thedailyplate. I need to be more conscious of what I'm putting in m body and this is the only solution. As for how long this double time phase will last, I don't want to give up, so I'm not going to set a time frame. I probably won't end up weighing myself again until the end of this phase for the same reason.

Phase 1: Walk 5x a Week - Week 4

I'm so proud of myself! Four weeks have gone by and I didn't miss a day of my program. This last week I even exercised 5 days straight! I'm wondering if I should bank my last 2 days or just keep exercising? In the past, I've overworked myself and ended up quitting so maybe I'll err on the side of caution.

Tomorrow I'm going to weigh and measure myself. Even though I've been doing so well with exercising, I'm afraid that knowing my weight might cause me to jinx myself. At the same time I want to know where I stand and how I am progressing. I'll just have to remember a month of fatty foods means I should be happy with even maintaining what I was prior to Dec 1st. Although I'm going to say I hope the scale says 178 or less. I'd be thrilled then!

Week 4: 5 1hr workouts, walking 16.63mi, @ 18'30"mi, burning 2292cal

My hour usually consists of:

5 min 2.6mi
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.9
20 min 3.0 (10min of 2lb weights.)
5 min 2.9
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.6

RESULTS ADDED TOMORROW...

Phase 1: Walk 5x a Week - Week 2 & Week 3

Junk food is slowly but surely disappearing from my house. I'm going to say by the end of week 3, the house should be cleared of it completely. (Yep, It's gone!) With that being said, I'm not going to bother weighing myself or measuring myself until the end of week 4. I'm considering Phase 1 my pre-exercise & diet phase because it doesn't involve any strenuous work and will probably result in minimum weight loss if any.

However, this Phase is not a useless phase as it provides me with a schedule, the rebuilding of a better metabolism, and strengthening of my muscles. Mentally and emotionally it will provide me with patience and endurance.

RESULTS

Week 1: 5 1hr workouts, walking 15.53mi, @ 19'26"mi, burning 2141cal
Week 2: 5 1hr workouts, walking 16.05mi, @ 18'51"mi, burning 2212cal
Week 3: 5 1hr workouts, walking 15.99mi, @ 18'54"mi, burning 2204cal

I would have expected all of the numbers to improve but it's not that big of a deal to me. During Week 3, I tried to resist eating whenever I was bored. Now that the junk food is out of the house, I've been snacking on Special K Delightfully Chocolate Cereal. It's just as satisfying as any other type of chocolate too.


My hour usually consists of:

5 min 2.5mi
5 min 2.6
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.9
10 min 3.0 with 2lb weights.
5 min 2.9
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.6
5 min 2.5


Right now I'm sick with an unrelenting cold, so I have a feeling that I am not going to start this week off strong. No matter what though, I'll make sure to end the week with my 5hrs accomplished, even if I have to bang it out all in one day. I'll be sure to log-in next Sunday with results.

Phase 1: Walk 5x a Week

I feel more emotionally healthy than ever before, yet my weight is out of control.

It's amazing how little it takes for me to give up on things I really want in life. I'm competitive in nature but cannot stand to lose. Whether it's a job I desire, love in my heart, or weight loss, I have no endurance to get what I want. While I'm emotionally in a healthy place right now, and slowly on the road to being available to fall in love again, I cannot stand the sight of myself naked. At the same time I want a guy who can, which is totally unreasonable I know!

2009: A Year in Review

I got Wii Fit for Christmas 2008 and was religiously using it for some time. I went from 185lbs down to 170. Wii Fit became boring, and progress slowed down. Some might call this a plateau, I call it quitting time. After switching to beginner dance exercise videos, I realized that every instructor had targeted their videos for professional dancers. I have a hard enough time as it is, and one belly dance instructor has me attempting to do 100 individual butt lifts per minute. Unreal! Of course I put those aside too.

Finally I decided that walking was the key to success. It's a proven fact, but I like to do things the hard way. I went out and purchased another Nike sensor, since they die after a year or so of use, to get me back on the treadmill again. This was well intentioned for a while until I pushed my breaking point. My mind slammed me into a brick wall of doubt. "You didn't lose enough weight, run fast enough, walk long enough, eat healthy enough, etc." You would think I was a coach or an overbearing mother, but this is just me being a perfectionist and creating self sabotage. I ended up quitting because I missed a day of my ridiculous schedule and didn't know how I would ever make it up.

So here I am, back after missing a day, which turned into months. How pathetic I am!

At least now I have a goal and point of action. I want to lose weight, but more importantly I want to feel healthy. This past week I have felt like absolute shit. Speaking of which, I always feel bloated and constipated. I ate nothing but junk food because of the holiday season and am back to sleeping during the day. I never drink water and I'm starting to realize that I really need to detox my body. Well, I'm going to continue enjoying the holiday treats, while feeling absolutely sick over it because now is not the time to punish myself for long term mistreatment of my body. However, I will walk 5 times a week for an hour a day.

My goal on Nike is set to accomplish walking 5x a week for an hour a day until May. Hopefully I'll chose to continue this after May, but a goal consists of a beginning and end. I need to lose 50 lbs, and hopefully most of that will be taken care of in the process. I'll start to eat healthy in a week or two, but for now I'm announcing my plan of action to walk. I'll check the scale when I begin "Phase 2: Eat Healthy".

Leave a comment to keep me motivated and I'll add you and return the favor.