Dating Sites and Lowered Expectations

Recently I decided to look around a few dating sites. While I don't have a problem attracting guys, even at my weight, they just aren't the type of guys I'm interested in. The types that tend to be attracted to me are either unattractive, have no personality, or are hot but only want sex. While the latter can be nice on occasion, none of them are what I want or need.

At first I would only add the hot guys to my favorite list. It was like collecting cards, but completely meaningless because I would never message any of them, for fear of being rejected. I did reel in one hot one, but he had no personality. I had a hard time letting him go, but honestly I need sparks. I would rather be with someone much less attractive, who gave me butterflies, than to have a trophy boyfriend.

My search picked up again recently. I concentrated more on personality than looks, although I still had to have somewhat of an attraction towards them. I began talking to 2 people, one who seemed attractive and the other who seemed to have a lot of similar interests. While not feeling an instant spark with either of them, I continued talking to them. I gave it a full week before I decided that nothing would come of it. One had no personality and the other wasn't attractive enough at his shorter height.

While I did continue chatting with both of them in passing, I found that they both brought up what I consider a sore subject; exercise. In the past few months I haven't exercised an ounce, eaten healthier foods, or weighed myself to keep me in check. I'm coming out of a depression and am in no mood to bring myself down. I began taking energy pills 2 weeks ago and I think that they are starting to have an effect on me. Although it's been more like occasional short lived spurts of energy rather than an ongoing one.

Now when they brought up exercise in their individual conversations with me, it was "do you like to exercise?" I had said "occasionally." Apparently my pictures being posted on my profile, which showed I wasn't skinny, wasn't good enough for them. They both felt the need to sorely fuel the fire. Did I mention that this one question was a complete turn off for me. Neither of these guys were that attractive and both were on the short side. None of them would be considered GTL by a long shot.

It turns out one was obsessed with health and the other was just overly healthy. If health was an issue for either of them, you think that they would search for athletic girls. If I exercised, wouldn't I be in shape? Of course overweight people can exercise, but if they were really doing a good job, they too would be in shape. I wanted to say "Are you looking to make me over?" Honestly, because if I was in good shape, I wouldn't be talking to either of them to begin with. These individuals, who wouldn't stand out in a crowd of 2, had the nerve to play the weight card knowing full well that I wasn't skinny. Why even message me? They had to know somewhere deep down inside that they could never get an athletic girl despite their obsessions with exercise.

The funny thing is that even after replying to further questions with half-assed remarks, both still continued to contact me. So is weight an issue or not? I find it hard to believe that 2 guys obsessed with health would think that I'm skinny from looking at my face and arms. I do my best to carry myself well, but I can't hide my fat altogether. It's there and it's visible.

Finally, if it's not an issue, stop bringing it up! The shorter one was smart enough to move onto the next topic. However, the guy with no personality brought it up again a few days later. Didn't we have this conversation already?! Instead of saying occasionally this time, I flat out said no. He didn't respond for a couple of minutes and then said "What are you up to?" Dense!

Now I know that being overweight means that I can't be as shallow as I may have been before. I've done my best to adjust my high standards to moderate in order to find my perfect match. I'm a perfectionist at heart so even that was difficult for me. What I don't get however is that someone who is unattractive at their best shape can be so damn judgmental when it comes to looks. I put more stock on an attractive face than I do on body type. Therefore these guys I were talking too were actually well below my moderate level of standards because they had okay bodies and less than attractive faces.

I've even talked to heavy guys that had the nerve to talk about a girls weight. My only thoughts were, you would be lucky to get a girl that is 1 lb less than you are. It really is beyond me how these people can be so unaware of their appearance as a whole, both inside and out.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I try my best to view myself with accuracy. I know that I am fat and that I do not have the self control to change that anytime too soon. I also know that I have a somewhat jaded heart and broken spirit. These are all things I factor into my search to find my perfect match. Only a few under value themselves, but most over value themselves too greatly. This is why no one can be happy. Why can't everyone be real like me?

Surprisingly enough, after the intrusive exercise conversation, I hopped on the treadmill for 20 minutes. Let's see if I keep this up so I can reel in a better quality of guys.

Update 02-25-2010

Today I walked for 20 min at 3.3mph, completed 50 crunches, did 2 sets of arm workouts.

• Updated my progress bar. I think now that I placed this bar at the top of the page it will help to register in my mind better than when it was buried at the bottom. Before I was putting too much stress on how much exercise I had to do. Now I'm going to put the stress on how much weight I have to lose. Honestly, that chart doesn't scare me. It's a challenge I'm ready to take on.
  

• Created a WEIGHT HISTORY page. I hope that in posting my weight throughout the years, 2003-present, that it will make me more accountable for my actions. Along side of the data, I wrote a brief account of how much I gained each year and what my stressors were. Finally, I added a conclusion section listing things I've learned about handling weight issues in the future.

Phase 2: Double Time - Week 3

Last weekend I went to an event where I was trying to get pictures and video. Since I was all the way in the back I did a lot of holding my arms high into the air to get unblocked footage. Needless to say, my arms were too sore for weights. The whole day was exhausting, standing up for 5 hours straight and carrying my 16lb on my shoulder, but my legs didn't hurt a bit. So instead of being lazy all week because my arms were in pain, I kept moving because my legs were doing just fine. Come to think of it, that's probably due to all the hard work I've put in thus far.

I did have a half week of double time to make up though. All week long I had opportunities and I let them slip right through my hands. I don't know why this happened, but I'm not happy it did. I'm determined to make up those 5hrs and this is my last week before my next weigh in. This means through hell and high water, I'm going to have to exercise 3x a day no matter what.

Luckily for me I have some motivation these next few days. There are exactly 3 days left in the Nike+ Conan vs. Leno challenge. Conan isn't that far behind, and if I really work my butt off, he could even win. While this is a team effort, I know a good portion of this is depending on me. I don't want to let Conan down! There is also burning off all the food I hate at the Superbowl Party (and my sleep schedule is upside down again, eek!), but that was the start of Week 4, so I'll leave it alone for now.

Nike + Conan vs Leno Challenge

During Week 3 I did good with counting calories. On days I exercised for 2hrs, I was always in my net calorie range of 500-1000. Sometimes I managed to be even lower too! Net calories are the calories you have after you take the total amount consumed - total amount burned.

RESULTS

Week 3: 10 1hr workouts, walking 33.83mi, @ 17'52"mi, burning 4664 cal.

ONE HOUR WORKOUT ROUTINE
20 min 3.0 mph
20 min 3.1 with
20 min 3.0 mph

Physical Appearance Update:
Even though this happened on Sunday, the start of Week 4, I still want to mention it before next week's weigh-in and post just in case it is discouraging. Normally I don't wear jeans because I haven't really had a reason to. I don't like to go out much in general and since I've been exercising 10/7 (get it 24/7, lolz), I've been in nice comfy pants. However, my sister had a party on Superbowl Sunday which forced me out of my house and into a pair of jeans.

They felt the slightest bit less tight, but the real difference came in how little of a muffin top I had in my size 13 jeans. My stomach is finally starting to shrink, even if the waist band isn't. They went from unbearably tight, esp. in my thighs, to fitting. just right. On the 13th I'll be forced into jeans again for my friends low-key Valentine's Day party, but at least I can feel comfortable not having to worry about my stomach. I'll just have to remember not to eat all the chocolate.

Holidays are days for skinny people to put on a couple of pounds while us less than skinny girls look a bit lighter in the week to follow.

Phase 1: Results

I've learned a valuable lesson in life: Every time I quit on myself, I set myself back much further than where I started. Over the years I've tracked my weight on livestrong.com. In the last year, I started and stopped exercising twice, with months in between filled with self pity. The first time was in April at 175lbs, and again in August at 181. When the holidays came around I decided to let loose and not think about my actions and their consequences. I figured at most I'd put on 5lbs while I pounded back the sugar cookies, left overs, and anything else available in mass quantities.

I admit I have no self control, and that's why I hate the fact that my parents are fat. Fat people eat fattening food. It's a cruel cycle that I can't escape. In a perfect world my house would be limited to healthy foods in minimum quantities, so I could "overeat" without doing any real damage. As much as I beg and plead for healthier options, there is only so much that my parents can do set in their ways of over 50 years. I'm not going to even go into the fact that I should be old enough to move out... it's not plausible at this point in my life.

Alright, let me get to the results. After a month of walking an hour a day, at an admittedly slow speed, 5 days a week, with 10 minutes of 2lb weights thrown in during each workout... the month resulted in 190lbs. (UPDATE: 186lbs immediately after my period, which will be the number I use to compare.)

Now I'm not one for excuses, but I'm going to explain how I think these results occurred. I gained 15lbs between October and the end of December putting me in the 195 bracket. I exercised for a month dropping down to 190lbs. However, the results aren't even the most accurate because it was the day before I got my period and I weighed in at the end of the day, partially because my sleep schedule has been off again. Therefore you can see how these results are inconclusive.

With that being said, I know I can't continue my lazy lifestyle. I can't continue to start and stop exercising again because a yo-yo diet does too much damage on me emotionally. All those months and years wasted on self pity aren't worth the meager 6 or so months of hard work that it takes to get it off.

I'm not going to start being happy with myself until I get down to 170lbs. This number represents where I could have been last year if I didn't give up exercising at 173. It's only 20 lbs away and I have no doubt that I can get there in 2 months.

Phase 2 will be double time. Instead of walking for an hour 5 days a week, I'm going to bring it up to 2 hrs. Walks will now be at a minimum speed of 3.0 mph with 5% incline. The walks will continue to have 10 minutes of 2lb weights. I'm also going to start tracking my food intake at livestrong.com/thedailyplate. I need to be more conscious of what I'm putting in m body and this is the only solution. As for how long this double time phase will last, I don't want to give up, so I'm not going to set a time frame. I probably won't end up weighing myself again until the end of this phase for the same reason.

Phase 1: Walk 5x a Week - Week 4

I'm so proud of myself! Four weeks have gone by and I didn't miss a day of my program. This last week I even exercised 5 days straight! I'm wondering if I should bank my last 2 days or just keep exercising? In the past, I've overworked myself and ended up quitting so maybe I'll err on the side of caution.

Tomorrow I'm going to weigh and measure myself. Even though I've been doing so well with exercising, I'm afraid that knowing my weight might cause me to jinx myself. At the same time I want to know where I stand and how I am progressing. I'll just have to remember a month of fatty foods means I should be happy with even maintaining what I was prior to Dec 1st. Although I'm going to say I hope the scale says 178 or less. I'd be thrilled then!

Week 4: 5 1hr workouts, walking 16.63mi, @ 18'30"mi, burning 2292cal

My hour usually consists of:

5 min 2.6mi
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.9
20 min 3.0 (10min of 2lb weights.)
5 min 2.9
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.6

RESULTS ADDED TOMORROW...

Phase 1: Walk 5x a Week - Week 2 & Week 3

Junk food is slowly but surely disappearing from my house. I'm going to say by the end of week 3, the house should be cleared of it completely. (Yep, It's gone!) With that being said, I'm not going to bother weighing myself or measuring myself until the end of week 4. I'm considering Phase 1 my pre-exercise & diet phase because it doesn't involve any strenuous work and will probably result in minimum weight loss if any.

However, this Phase is not a useless phase as it provides me with a schedule, the rebuilding of a better metabolism, and strengthening of my muscles. Mentally and emotionally it will provide me with patience and endurance.

RESULTS

Week 1: 5 1hr workouts, walking 15.53mi, @ 19'26"mi, burning 2141cal
Week 2: 5 1hr workouts, walking 16.05mi, @ 18'51"mi, burning 2212cal
Week 3: 5 1hr workouts, walking 15.99mi, @ 18'54"mi, burning 2204cal

I would have expected all of the numbers to improve but it's not that big of a deal to me. During Week 3, I tried to resist eating whenever I was bored. Now that the junk food is out of the house, I've been snacking on Special K Delightfully Chocolate Cereal. It's just as satisfying as any other type of chocolate too.


My hour usually consists of:

5 min 2.5mi
5 min 2.6
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.9
10 min 3.0 with 2lb weights.
5 min 2.9
5 min 2.8
5 min 2.7
5 min 2.6
5 min 2.5


Right now I'm sick with an unrelenting cold, so I have a feeling that I am not going to start this week off strong. No matter what though, I'll make sure to end the week with my 5hrs accomplished, even if I have to bang it out all in one day. I'll be sure to log-in next Sunday with results.

Week 6: Busy Life = Weight Gain

I can't believe 2 weeks have gone by without me updating my progress or rather lack there of. My biggest hold up has been that once I write down my weight gain I will lose all motivation. Well 2 weeks later I can safely say that I have kept strong with my Walk 2 Run program, exercising 40 minutes a day for 6 days a week.

Now I'm not going to say that the weight gain was horrible or even out of control, because I understand where it came from and how this was a "one time thing." Week 6 has been abnormal for me. My sister made the big move into her luxurious new home and I was a member of the 4 day moving crew. I exercised in the morning and then lifted heavy boxes and furniture until it was time to pass out at night. It was a total body workout.

So where did the weight gain come from? Where it always comes from, fast food! I don't cook unless no one is home and I'm starving. However, I wasn't at home and believe me no one had intentions of cooking. Instead the week was filled with one fast food meal after another. The fact that I only gained .5 lbs isn't bad at all, seeing since I feel like my body has toned up quite a bit. My face is also looking a bit thinner as well.



My exercise this week has been motivating. Each day I increased my workout in some way and felt a flow of energy that could last me another workout. However, I didn't want to hurt myself so I stopped working out on a high note each day.

WALK 2 RUN - WEEK 2
days: 6 active days
time: 40 minute minimum

walk 5 min (3.0), run 5 (4.5)
walk 5 min (3.1), run 5 (4.5)
walk 5 min (3.2), run 1-5 (4.5)
walk 5 min (3.3), max incline 8 min (3.0)
walk 2 min (3.0), walk 5 min (>2.5)

Week 6 resulted in 180.5 lbs.

Week 5: On the run... err walk.

I officially went 2 weeks without any legitimate exercise. I managed to end last week at 180.5 lbs, but before I knew it the scale was up to 184 and there was no question that it was time to get my butt back in gear.

For the longest time I've wanted to start working out again with my Nike+ iPod gear, but I was always waiting for the perfect time to reinvest in a new sensor. I initially purchased Nike+ in 2006 and used that product religiously. After about a year of use, my sensor died. Upon my next purchase I was stuck with buying yet another $30 starter kit. However, this time my money had gone to waste and time flew by before I realized that I hadn't even ran in 2008. After 5 weeks of writing my blog on dieting, it became obvious that the time has come to reinvest in my third Nike+ sensor.

Last Friday I started walking on the treadmill at a 3.0 pace for 40 minutes. During the 40 minutes, I also walked 2 sets of 4 minutes at maximum incline. On Sunday, I finally purchased my new Nike+ sensor. Since this products been out for a while, I was finally able to buy the sensor by itself for $20, avoiding the unnecessary extra $10 expenditure. I started the Nike+ 3 month "Walk 2 Run" training program. The first week alternates between walking 15 minutes and walking 5 minutes followed by running 1 minute (2x). I felt that this was at a slower pace then what I've been doing so I reworked week 1 of the program to fit my needs:


WALK 2 RUN - WEEK 1
days: 7 active days
time: 40 minute minimum

walk 5 min (3.0), run 1 (4.5)
walk 5 min (3.1), run 1 (4.5)
walk 5 min (3.2), run 1 (4.5)
walk 5 min (3.3), run 1 (4.5)
walk 4 min (3.2), max incline 4 min (3.0)
walk 2 min (3.0), max incline 4 min (3.0)
walk 5 min (3.0)
walk 2 min (>2.5)

If I still have a burst of energy after all of that, I work out my arms using 2lb weights until my energy fades away. Those are the best workouts.

After 2 days of my own workout and 3 days of the Walk 2 Run edition, I ended my week at 180.5. It might seem as though I didn't lose weight, but that is far from truth. Early in the week I weighed in at 184, I'm not even sure what happened there. Then I worked out for 5 straight days putting on muscle. On top of all of that, I just got my monthly visitor. So with all of that weight gain, even equaling lasts weeks weigh-in is impressive in my book. I can only hope that Week 6 will lead to a quick drop on the scale.

Week 5 resulted in 180.5 lbs.

Why I Hit Rock Bottom

While some people run for the love of running, sometimes I feel like I can barely motivate myself to just get out of bed. I'm the underachiever with the overachievers aspirations. I know what I want in life, but wanting so much has left me feeling lost and hopeless. For anyone whose been in that position in life, you know the real challenge of every day life. I've made the decision to face life head on and my biggest challenge I have to confront first is my fear of being judged. I know that we are our own worst critic, but I want the best in life and I should meet my own standards before my life can begin to fall into place. My fear of being judged comes from both my mind and appearance. I can't count the number of times that girls have knocked me down for being outspoken and guys have ignored me for not being thin.

The last few years I've fought to speak my mind and have always fallen hard. I'm opinionated and open minded at the same time. No one is perfect and knows everything, so why should anyone be rigid in their opinions. If someone is well versed in politics for example, I will be the first to accept and possibly change my views entirely. Life is about being fluid and so few people get that. I know my opinions and ideas tend to be outside of the box, but they are that way for a reason. I'm not a drone. I want to experience more than the status quo. I live to immerse myself in everything that is and will be.

In the past, two of my social circles, both of whom I no longer associate with, beat me down and drained the very identity I once knew. It's been a year since I've walked away from both situations and only now am I really ready to begin to heal. I haven't gotten to the point where I can write about exact moments that I felt the world begin to collapse in on me, but for over 2 years it seemed like that feeling was endless. Yet I've always had a group of amazing friends on the side, but they couldn't help me through those times. No one could. The emotional abuse I took from one group and the constant mind games the other group played were so intense, and partly because there was no escape. It was only until last year that I graduated from one and the intermingling of friends in the other group finally ceased.

This past year should have been a triumph, but emotionally I was broken to pieces and the puzzle was larger than life. I've never written my emotions down because my words have been counted by my emotional abusers as worthless. I as an individual was worthless against the whole. Instead of opening my heart to others, I've managed to close myself off from the world and eat my way through the pain. Even people on the internet feel the need to be emotionally abusive for no reason at all and I'm not even talking about weight related issues. So many people are just filled with hate and try to tear people down with them. I'm so glad I have come to this point where I can say that I'm above the bullsh*t.

Despite moving on with my life to a healthier place mentally and emotionally, my life has already been drastically effected. Both fields I studied in college, journalism and politics, requires me to be outspoken. I want nothing more than to be able to speak my mind freely but I don't know how anymore. It's come to a point where I lack passion for my beliefs. I can't even apply myself to get a job because I feel worthless. I know I'm not, but I can't face rejection from the outside world. No one understands just how deep those 2 years have hurt me, and I'm so thankful that I finally found the courage to blog.

It's time for me to rebuild my mental and emotional well being so that I can face the world and start living for me. Writing in this blog has been the very therapy I wish I had before I hit rock bottom, but later is better than never.

A part of building my mental and emotional well being also comes through physical health. Everyone says that when you are physically fit, not only do you look better, but you feel better too. I don't want to lose weight for a guy, they aren't worth it. I actually haven't liked anyone in a while and that's probably because I haven't been happy with myself. How can I expect someone to like me when I don't even like myself. I accept myself and I'm ready to make the changes needed in order to begin to like myself too.

It's easy for me to talk and joke about weight, it's the emotional stuff that is beyond difficult for me to talk about. I don't know why I felt like opening up today, but I'm happy I did.

Week 4: Normal Life Resumes

My energy level has hit an all time low this week. The first two days alone I remember doing nothing more than sitting on the couch and eating food. I guess my body needed time to recover, but somehow I wonder to what degree my energy drop off has to do with not taking vitamins. I'm not ready to submit to them so I'll just have to mentally force myself to do stuff and love it for now.

Food has also taken its toll. After returning home from a week of dining out 3 times a day, getting back on track hasn't been an easy task. I have no question that I consumed less calories, but not the amount I would have preferred. I knew my want for large portions would be there, so I spent this week slowly moderating my food. I've tried in the past to drop what I eat to the minimum, but from past experience, it always backfires.

As for my activity level, I managed one physical day, make that 4 hrs, of actual manual labor. My sister is in the process of moving into a new house and I helped her pack and move boxes and smaller furniture. I always do things for selfish reasons, I call this selfish motivation. My selfish motivation for helping her move was so that I could workout my arms. My arms only became in issue to me after looking at vacation pictures. The problem was that the shirt I had recently bought wasn't cut to flatter flabby arms and I didn't know that at the time. I liked how it hid my stomach and will probably still wear it on non-picture and non-public days. At least I realize that my arms are clearly an issue area, along with the rest of my fat.

Week 4 resulted in 180.5 lbs.

Week 3: Vacation

Vacation ended and I'm back at 181.5. I'm disappointed, but still .5 less than when I started and probably in better physical condition as well.

Normally road trips involve a car filled with snacks from M&Ms to Twizzlers and everything in between. My mom decided this trip would consist of healthier snacks like graham crackers and animal crackers. She separated the animals crackers into bags based on amount per serving. Surprisingly the serving size was generous, but without counting them even a suggested serving size can't help. However, the second I tried one I didn't like it and we ended up not snacking on the road at all. Maybe my taste buds were off or she bought a different brand than usual. I don't know, but I'm happy it kept me from snacking away.

Eating three meals a day on the road does lead to poor choices, but I don't regret enjoying my vacation. When half the day is spent on the road, I can't imagine staying in and eating a buttered bagel or ordering cereal at a diner. It's not something I would ever do. Most breakfasts consisted of a large ham and cheese egg omlet, with a side of sausage and toast. Long days call for a big breakfast. While sitting in a car isn't quite the same as working, you still need energy to be alert on the road.

Lunch meals varied in size from a healthy BLT wrap to a Chicken BLT sandwich at McDonalds. On the days I ate a BLT wrap, I felt happier with myself. It emotionally fulfilled me despite the fact I would have chosen a Chicken BLT from McDonalds if I had the option. This is why I hate choices, it pains me to resist what I want in the moment.

Dinner on the road was always what my heart desired. I'm not a fan of sleeping in most motels, dealing with different beds and different showers, not to mention vacation means waking up early to make the most of the day. So for me it meant a lot to end my day well fed. Most dinners consisted of some type of meat and fries. These aren't home cooked dinners in the least and were probably all over 750 calories, but I'm not going to go crazy over that. Instead I'm going to summarize my vacation choices as better than they used to be. If you think about it, eating at restaurants 3 times a day for a week, I only managed to put on 2 lbs. That's not bad at all! My only concern now will be adjusting to smaller portions and snacks being available at home.

Vacation Treats

My vacation wasn't just about the day to day meals either. I had three additional treats that were a must have while on the road. In Maine I had a Lobster Roll, despite the fact I only like tuna fish, sushi, shrimp, and crab cakes. When in Maine! Like salmon, it didn't really have much taste. The actual Lobster roll was buttered lobster in a bread roll. I had seen signs for lobster rolls all over Maine, mostly in pizzerias. Although I ate at the "Maine Diner," I was expecting something like a chicken roll but with lobster instead. I probably would have liked it better from a pizzeria. Who knows?

Next stop was Boston for some New England Clam Chowder at Cheers. I had my first New England clam chowder in Dutch Country, PA as a kid and have loved it ever since. It tasted just as amazing in Boston. It's a shame canned chowder doesn't taste the same. Finally, I had some fudge. My parents and I split the piece of fudge 3 ways and enjoyed the small portion thoroughly. During past vacations, a larger piece of fudge would have been purchased. I feel like my family as a whole did well.

Active Vacation

While much of my vacation consisted of driving to tourist spots to take pictures, I did manage to have three very physical days of activities. My first hard core leg workout was at The Lost River Gorge & Boulder Caves in Kinsman Notch, New Hampshire. They call it a ¾ mile journey, but almost every step was literally on an actual step up or down, wrapping around the mystic Lost River. Along the way there were caves with varying degrees of difficulty starting at moderate difficulty. I went into a cave or two, but the medium level involved me crawling on the ground. I'm a little claustrophobic and wished I had someone with me to hold my hand through it. My dad is in his 50s and definitely wasn't going to crawl through the caves. The scenery was still beautiful though.

The very next day we continued traveling through the White Mountain Forest of New Hampshire stopping at different "waterfall" locations. Some were more clearly waterfalls than others, but gorgeous none the less. I'm obsessed with water and climbed the rocks to get as close to the waterfalls as possible. Each section of the river had rocks varying at different heights and my legs got an even more serious workout. The pain in my calves was worth it though. The next day was my day of rest, which involved climbing to the top of the Portland Observatory in Maine. It wasn't a difficult climb, but it kept me moving.

My final major workout was climbing the Bunker Hill Monument in Boston, all 294 stairs up and then 294 stairs back down. I definitely felt my heart racing because there was no place to stop along the way and only one side had a hand rail. Every time I person passed in the opposite direction I felt like I had to hold the wall for balance. I wish I had brought water with me but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Let's just say the Bunker Hill Monument is heart healthy.

After being out of breath while climbing 294 stairs straight to the top, I'm going to try to translate that into an equivalent amount of time of a maximum incline on the treadmill. Now that I'm back home, I will also be searching for local tourist attractions including local rivers that can supply the same type of workout and enjoyment that New Hampshire did for me. Any interesting spots in New Jersey for a beginner?

Week 3 resulted in 181.5 lbs.

Week 2: Feeling Enlightened

My life is generally sedentary, but with recent exercise I would place myself a step above that. This week I continued my plan of action, smaller portions and less snacks. On days that I don't exercise, I don't seem to feel as hungry. While I didn't exercise every day this week, the 4 times I did so was at an increased speed of 3.2 mph for a total of 40 minutes each day. My knees have definitely felt the .2 difference and I'm considering walking at my previous 3 mph this week to let my muscles rest.

This week has been somewhat eventful for me. I went out 3x, in what could have been potentially stressful situations, and ended up having a thoroughly good time. On the 3rd of July I went to my sister's BBQ. She made less food than she normally does and I ended up eating less because of it. It also helped that I woke up late and didn't have breakfast at home, which is probably the reason why the second brownie didn't do any damage. Afterward, the group went to the movies to see Transformers 2 (great movie), and I only had a handful of popcorn.

On Sunday I went dress and swimsuit shopping, as I mentioned in the last post, which really put me in a good mood. It even caused me to venture outside of my comfort zone later in the night. My friends occasionally go to clubs along the shore where all of the heavy hitters go. By heavy hitters, I mean those that tan often, wear the latest trends, best hair styles, and have toned bodies. The idea of that alone usually makes me turn down any opportunity to go to the shore.

RANT: Guys and Weight Loss

I understand the obsession to look hot, as I have this obsession too, but those people that go around talking about it are sick self gratification seekers. When I was a size 5 I never sought attention, but appreciated the compliments when I got them. I didn't talk about weight loss, but if I had, at least it would have been slightly acceptable because that's a "girl thing" to do. When a guy obnoxiously flexes his muscles and discusses a protein shake or loses weight and discusses how much he weighs, it makes me sick. Too many people go around with that "look at me" attitude. Guys aren't supposed to be obsessed with losing weight and demanding attention. Whenever I hear a guy mention the word weight, I lose interest in him immediately. It's one thing if you are 20+lbs over weight. Even then I would rather the guy act like a teddy bear and lose the weight without a discussion.

The guys that really aggravate me are the ones who have nothing to lose. The more guys I talk to, the more I notice their sick obsession with self image. It's disgusting. Just like a guy doesn't want to hear about a girls period, that is the way I feel about guys talking about weight. Shut up or get lost! I never talk about weight even with my girl friends because I think weight conversations are selfish as in they are all about self. Guys who only want "self" conversations aren't datable.

End of discussion.

Conveniently after posting this rant, the episode of Family Guy where Peter becomes obsessed with his looks came on TV.

Despite my intimidation, I decided to drive an hour down the shore to join my friends and was able to just live completely in the moment. It's been a while since I felt that way. My happiness high from that night is still going forward although at a decreasing rate. I didn't feel judged like I do when I hang out on the Island, where everyone knows everyone. Maybe for me the shore is a mini vacation from reality, I just have to make sure I don't become a regular.

My actual vacation isn't coming at the best time. I'm feeling more social at the moment and a vacation for me tends to be a solitude journey, along with the family. My biggest concern about this vacation is that I'll be leaving on Friday morning and possibly gone until Wednesday. I'm going to have to find some way of making up for almost a weeks worth of missed time. I'm concerned that missed exercise and road trip dining will not only stunt my progress, but make me "fall off the wagon" altogether. I don't want to think about it too much at the moment though.

4th of July Bodies:

Jessica Simpson sporting an American Flag Bikini

**********

Clip of Megan Fox from Transformers 2

I used to be jealous of hot celebrity bodies, but I've decided to appreciate them because they were sculpted to look that way by dedicated individuals. I too would like to be a dedicated individual and will therefore use images of bodies that I admire to work toward my goal. When I want something unhealthy, I'll replace the image with a celebrity body that I wish to have and hopefully that will curb my hunger.

Anyone can be skinny at any age, you just need dedication and self control.

Week 2 resulted in 179.5 lbs.

Shopping for a Destination Wedding

Wedding Reservations

My cousin is getting married in less than a week. I'm not one to get excited about things like that, then again I have a hard time getting upset at funerals too. A few years back I was a bridesmaid at a former best friends wedding. I was accompanied by my loving boyfriend at the time who was asked to be a part of the groomsmen. We walked down the aisle together. The whole night was something of a fairytale for me as we danced the night away. It was only when I looked around me and noticed that few people were left in the grand hall that I had realized the night was actually over. I guess you can say it was like my own wedding, even though my ex and I have long been over. It was almost too good of an experience, and therefore only my own wedding will one day surpass it. Although I can't be too hung up about it, the bride and the groom didn't last either, divorced after 3 years.

This particular wedding is a bit stressful for me because it's a family documented event of me looking fat. My Aunt has always been particularly strict on her family's diet and as a result has a skinny family. Ever since the wedding was announced a few months ago, comments such as losing weight for the wedding have occurred. No these comments weren't directed at me or my family, it was actually quite the opposite. My Aunt was referring to herself and her excitement for the wedding. They weren't even negative, but yet they lingered on my mind.

I think they haunt me because I didn't do anything about it. When my Aunt heard wedding she was motivated to lose weight, when I heard wedding I had no real reaction. I could have had a 3 month head start on losing weight and I'm only getting in the game now. I must admit the wedding has nothing to do with me wanting to lose weight, but it upsets me that things that should motivate me don't.

Dress Shopping...
Now comes the task of finding the best form fitting dress a size 14 has to offer. The first store I went to was Mandees. At size 12, I could buy my whole wardrobe within minutes. However, at size 14 I'm lucky if I find a shirt or two that look decent on me. Located right next door was Dots, a size 0-24 store. The quality of the clothes aren't as nice as Mandees, but I can actually find something that fits and looks decent on me.

While searching for a dress I noticed that designers do not understand how to design clothes for bigger women. A dress that looks good on a size 4 must be redesigned for a larger size. It's the little touches that count, yet designers fail over and over again to alleviate this problem.

Most of the dresses wore like a drape, hiding my extra baggage from others view. They didn't use eye catching lines to play off of my curves, just a sheet of material draped over my body. Instead of embracing my imperfections with a creative design, they sew together one end of a sheet to another making me look larger than my actual appearance. Do you really expect me to buy these bag dresses? The worst part is designers don't realize that when people put on weight, we grow everywhere. Instead they continue to make every dress size with what I can only assume is a B cup. These dresses make my boobs look awkward. As a larger girl, my proudest body part is the extra fat in my boobs, and I'm not going to let a bad cut ruin my awesome cleavage! I found that more dresses had a bad cut rather than a bag effect. It's a shame too because it means that they are trying, but still falling short. While I am not sure of my exact cup size, I think it's safe to say Size 14 should be equated with a size D.

Dots had nice shirts and pants, but I had to keep at the task at hand. The next store I visited was T.J. Maxx. There was a major clearance that day and my mom and I went in different directions in the search for all things size 14. Since it's a destination wedding aka vacation, I might as well go swimming as well. The cart quickly filled up with possible dresses and bathing suits for the upcoming event.

... & Swimwear
My last bathing suit purchase was at 160lbs. I was leery looking for bathing suits since past browses led only to 2 piece items. At the time I would have picked up almost any 1 piece, but for some reason stores didn't seem to carry them. Since I don't have a pool at home and I wasn't planning on going on any day trips to the beach, a bathing suit hasn't been much of a priority for me either. I figure a family vacation is the perfect time to swim without the worries of Facebook photography getting in the way. Of course if I like a photo, I may just go ahead and post it.

T.J. Maxx had a small selection, most in size order, and I found some bathing suits worthy of trying on. When my cart was filled with every size 14 dress and bathing suit, I went to the changing room to begin the most difficult task of all. I started trying on dresses because I figured it would be a more rewarding experience for me. The dresses with the accurate size tag all looked decent on me. While I didn't love any of the dresses, all of the designs were nice. Since I was working with clearance prices, I ended up choosing two $20 summery dresses.

Next I had to try on one-piece bathing suits. The very first one I tried on had a boy short type bottom and just looked extremely awkward. I didn't let that get me down and the very next 2 bathing suits were absolutely gorgeous on me. The flowery one had a bit of scrunch material that I prefer my shirts to have as well. It creates a sleek look while looking very fashionable. The second bathing suit was solid aqua with a single white line breaking up the top and skirt bottom. This bathing suit made me feel even thinner and sexier. When I had originally picked it up, I wasn't expecting something without camoflouge to look as good as it did on me. My stomache even appeared flat! Sometimes an open mind can lead to great possibilities.

I wish I can attach pictures of the bathing suits because they are absolutely gorgeous, however T.J. Maxx doesn't have an online store. It's really frustrating because I find a lot of major retailers don't cater to the online browsers and shoppers of the world including stores like Joyce Leslie. As a result, I end up shopping at these stores close to rarely because I am unaware of what's in stock.

As for these bathing suits, both are from the brand Mainstream Swimwear. I couldn't find a link to the brand, but I did find an online retailer that sells the brand. Although none of the bathing suits shown are the ones I purchased, many have a slim fitting appeal.

I can't seem to find a site for Mainstream Swimwear or the exact bathing suit I purchased. However, I did find a site that sells Mainstream. Mainstream's targets sizes include 8-18, so you can trust the design is made with a larger model in mind.

Shopping can be fun and now I'm looking forward to my vacation too.

Organizing Clothes by Size

Having been every size from 16 to 5 and back up to 14, I've found that my closets and drawers are filled to the brim. The sad thing is that most of the clothes don't fit me at any given time. Since I grew up overweight, I realistically figured that by luck if I were to lose the weight, it might be fleeting. While currently an accurate assessment, I also feel attached to my smaller clothes that give me hope for a skinnier future. Although my goal was to slim down my closet, very few items actually made it to the trash.

Instead I decided it was finally time to organize my clothes by size. This was a hard task for me as I dumped all of my clothes onto the bed. Some shirts that I thought I had worn recently, I haven't worn in years, and clearly did not fit me anymore. It was a sad realization, but necessary for me to see myself as I am.

Generally I found it hard to organize my clothes by size because every country makes clothes with a different number in mind, and depending on the material it might be a loose fit or skin tight. I found a base shirt for each category "Small, Medium, and Large." These sizes were a reflection of me and not of societies views. Then I took my tall stack of jeans and organized them into each of my set categories, writing down the information so that I couldn't question my logic later on.

After 2 hours and moms help, I was able to size up most of my clothes. In my living room sits a bucket for small and another for medium, while large clothes hang in my newly spacious closet. Another bucket is still being filled as the hybrid "Small/Medium." I've even taken specialty items such as recently purchased underwear, expensive bras, bathing suits, and belts and placed them in its size appropriate bucket.

The goal of this project was not only to realize my actual size and fully grasp my mind around it, but to live with ease. Now when I venture out of large and into medium, it will take a quick dump of the bucket: "Out with the large, in with the medium." The biggest relief is living for me the way I am now. When I get dressed to go out I feel confident knowing that everything in my closet will fit and look amazing on me. I no longer have to trifle through clothes that once looked good on me because I absolutely love all of the clothes I've purchased for my "large" self.

This was a major accomplishment for me and I'm proud of all of the calories I burned doing it too. :)

Oprah's "Best Life Week: Falling Off the Wagon"

Today I watched Oprah's "Best Life Week: Falling Off the Wagon" for the first time. It couldn't have come at a better time. For the past 2 years, I have lost my lust for life. Every action I take is a have and not a want. The first 20 minutes of this episode absolutely moved me. The following are excerpts from Oprah's show and it's direct relation to me.

Oprah said that although she was in the public eye she wanted nothing more than to disappear. "There I am during the Tina and Cher show feeling like, 'How in the world did I let this happen to myself again?'" she says. "I was embarrassed, and I wanted to be anyplace other than there. Tina Turner and Cher are American icons. They still look great. So the anxiety of, 'Okay, now I've got to put myself on a big stage and stand between Tina and Cher and try to make myself not be as big as I am.'"

I experience this situation on a daily basis. My friends are all skinnier than me, many at a size 0. I met them when I was about 140lbs and most have stayed by my side with positive words of encouragement. Those that were anything less than true, I cut ties with immediately realizing that they were poisonous to my mental, emotional, and physical well being. My true friends boosted my confidence and molded me to become independent, however, weight fell short on this list. While some are active, others are vegetarians, and all maintain their bodies behind closed doors. Our friendship did not involve food or exercise, and I was left without the influence of those that practice healthy lifestyles.

My friends live to be in the limelight. Taking pictures are a nightly occurrence to the point where multiple pictures of the same pose are taken in order to get the best photo. It's exactly like a model shoot! At 160lbs, I didn't mind being in pictures because I looked okay. At 180lbs, I don't even want to be around a camera.

"All this year, I've been hiding my body because I didn't want you to see it," Oprah says. "Here I am, one of the most visible people in the world, trying not to be seen on the cover of my own magazine." I am by no means popular, but my friends are. Being around them requires me to have a certain air about me. At this weight I know that I am not up to par with the rest of them and I have gone out of my way to maintain low visibility while my friends light up the very room I seek shade in.

I can't remember the last time I willingly took out my camera and I do my best to avoid others cameras. The worst is when I accidentally appear in a picture that is then blasted all over Facebook. Although my privacy settings don't allow others to see my tagged photos, I can't control who sees it from my friend's page. I'm embarrassed and this is the reason why I don't want to leave my house.

Oprah listed numerous problems that she has in her life that are effecting her health, one of them being that she can't sleep at night. This has been a long time effector in my life. When I am awake night, I eat too much. I've been good about my sleep schedule as of late, but it is a constant struggle that I can't go a day without thinking.

"Oprah's trainer and confidant Bob Greene, creator of The Best Life Diet, says a food addict can't conquer his or her addiction completely. 'This is a problem in your life that's probably going to be a problem in your life for the duration of your life,' he says. 'Your results are simply about how you manage that problem.'" I haven't quite figured out what my problem is, but I have a feeling it has something to do with living from extreme highs and lows since as far back as age 17. I don't know how to live a happy inbetween.

"Bob told Oprah he thought she was suffering from low-grade depression (or dysthmia)." He described it as something being off. "'Your movements are slower. Your responses are slower. There's a dullness about you.' When Bob looked into Oprah's eyes, he says she wasn't really there. 'She was somewhere else. She was very vacant and distracted, and it was alarming to me,' he says. 'I think I felt she was losing her zest for life, and that was one of the saddest moments.'"

When I saw this, I wanted to cry. This is me and has been me for a long time. It's hard to describe the constant emptiness I've been feeling. I don't have love for myself and as much as I want love from others, I am not ready to accept it. I did a search on low grade depression and came across this personal story and solution on Overcoming Low Grade Depression:

"Exercise really does help to lift your mood, as it will help increase the serotonin levels in your brain, which has been shown to play crucial role in our emotional wellbeing. People suffering with depression often have low levels of serotonin. Regular exercise will also increase your sense of confidence, so get a routine, even if its just for 20minutes a day 2-3 a week you’ll feel the benefit after just a few weeks. Just try it!"

I feel as though I already knew this, but seeing this information juxtaposed with low grade depression further proves that some solutions work for multiple problems. Bob made so much sense when he said "If you don't feel fulfilled and you're not taking of care of yourself, food becomes much more attractive. It's a way to comfort yourself in hard times." The question is after confronting the issue, how do I learn to love myself and let others love me? To a certain degree, writing this blog has let me open up to myself in a way that I have been closed off to the world for sometime. I can finally speak my mind and help myself. Maybe this is me finally loving myself.

"Novona, one of Oprah's personal assistants, creates a schedule where she put's Oprah back on the list by setting aside time for personal things like workouts, manicures and meditation." When I started this blog, I also bought myself a brand new day planner. I love organization even though my life lacks it, but buying things like hangers, day planners and other organizational items makes me happy. It's learning how to use those items that can sometimes be uneasy. Two weeks in and I am still using my day planner to create balance. Despite the fact I don't have obligations like work or school, I still need a day planner to schedule in activities that will improve my life like exercise and reading. It's both a reminder and a guilt trip written in pen.

Finally, Bob asked the audience "What am I craving?" I am craving love, friendship and the confidence in myself to get the career I deserve. I will work to feed this hunger. "We all need to make 2009 the year we give ourselves as much love and support as we give to others," said Oprah. I'm going to make the effort because I deserve the very best. Lastly, I deserve order in my life.

Oprah's "Best Life Week: Falling Off the Wagon"

Week 1: Eating Less & Exercising a Bit

After my last post, I realized how incredibly impossible it would be to lose weight with absolutely no effort on my part. I decided that even the smallest effort would be an accomplishment within itself. Keeping that in mind, I began my week.

My mom was actively supportive of my decision to lose weight. Every night for dinner, I had a full plate of food, but the difference was the plates were smaller than the ones we used the week before. The portions were exact so that any request for leftovers would be denied with ease. Most importantly, every dinner came with a salad. Before this week, I knew nothing about salad dressing. Now, I am absolutely in love with Ranch light. I use it with everything, even chicken sandwiches.

It would be nice if all meals were made by a health conscious chef, but realistically I have to learn how to fend for myself in this fat filled world. In the morning I began making myself a heavy breakfast, typically peanut butter and jelly on a bagel. In doing so, I felt full for much longer and it caused me to snack less throughout the day. Lunch varied as did healthy snacks.

Never put off what you can have today. If you are craving chocolate, have it. In the past I've put off the urge to indulge my cravings only to have a few days go by of nonstop indulging. This resulted in failed diet and more pounds added than what I had taken off. I know I have self control issues, and moderation is the key to minimizing cravings. Although I did have help this week, and probably for the rest of my life, Skinny Cow Ice Cream.


Skinny Cow is conscious of our health, as the name so obviously states. The ice cream products include variations of sandwiches, cones, and bars. It's typically about 150 calories with 25 from fat and tastes absolutely amazing. One a day, keeps the cravings away guaranteed!

Exercise on the other hand was a bit more difficult. My first week consisted of walking on the treadmill. My daily routine includes 2 sets of 20 minutes at 3.0 mph. At the 8 minute marker, I would increase the incline to maximum for 4 minutes. At the time I was taking Women's One A Day to help improve my energy levels. However, as I got more energy I felt as though I didn't need to take my daily vitamins. As a result, my energy has dropped drastically and to say the least, I hope I've learned my lesson. ::taking pill now::

Week 1 resulted in 181lbs.

My Introduction

After an extremely bad breakup with my first love, I went from 200lbs down to 129 in a year. I'm not really sure how it happened, but I can only assume I had passion for exercise. My memory isn't the greatest, so I'm stuck with the few bread crumbs that I left for myself. I enjoyed the fruits of my labor for a little over a year before I started packing on the stress of another relationship gone wrong and continued stress between bad friends and bad choices. This resulted in poor grades as well as the obvious weight gain.

Even after I had added on 30lbs, my self loathing didn't motivate me to get back in shape. I was so much closer to my goal then, but I couldn't pull myself together to see it. An additional 25lbs later, with the occasional failed diet, and now I am here asking myself how can I get motivated? At the moment I'm not motivated at all, but I am miserable. I'm miserable with my body and because of that, I have become completely antisocial. I've gone through bouts of staying in and my friends have accepted it. I don't want to hide anymore, but I don't want to eat right and exercise either.

This past month I told myself if I could just soak up the sun for one day, I will have enough energy to take Step 1 in changing my life. While I'm a college graduate, I don't have a job, and my friends crazy night life has to a degree made me the night owl I have become. As a result, my lack of energy for life has decreased and this "depression" has gradually increased. Basically, I need sunlight! I even worked diligently to change my sleep schedule so I could experience daytime. It was a hard 2 weeks, but I did it. Just imagine the reverse, that you had to work the night shift, it's not an easy adjustment to make.

June has become the most depressing month for me by far. As I wait impatiently for the sun to shine brightly through the constant clouds and rain, I count the days that I could have taken my first step to a better me and continue to wait some more.

Every time I have attempted to diet in recent months, either something stressful or a celebratory event involving unhealthy food finds a way to throw me off track. I've gone up and down 10lbs a little too often recently. It's scary how easily it happens. My overweight family, whom despite my constant request for a healthy home makeover, won't put the junk food down. I have self control issues with food and my embarrassing food philosophy has been: If I see it, I must have it.

I need to get my body in order, because it is effecting every other aspect of my life. I won't search for a job because I'm not happy with myself. I know that if I even try, I'll just be burning opportunities because I know that I'm not putting my best foot (or body for that matter) forward. Love is out of the question at the moment because I need to love myself first.

This is who I am and where I'm at, but hopefully not where I'm going. My name is Melissa and at 5'8, I currently weigh 182lbs (size 14).