While some people run for the love of running, sometimes I feel like I can barely motivate myself to just get out of bed. I'm the underachiever with the overachievers aspirations. I know what I want in life, but wanting so much has left me feeling lost and hopeless. For anyone whose been in that position in life, you know the real challenge of every day life. I've made the decision to face life head on and my biggest challenge I have to confront first is my fear of being judged. I know that we are our own worst critic, but I want the best in life and I should meet my own standards before my life can begin to fall into place. My fear of being judged comes from both my mind and appearance. I can't count the number of times that girls have knocked me down for being outspoken and guys have ignored me for not being thin.
The last few years I've fought to speak my mind and have always fallen hard. I'm opinionated and open minded at the same time. No one is perfect and knows everything, so why should anyone be rigid in their opinions. If someone is well versed in politics for example, I will be the first to accept and possibly change my views entirely. Life is about being fluid and so few people get that. I know my opinions and ideas tend to be outside of the box, but they are that way for a reason. I'm not a drone. I want to experience more than the status quo. I live to immerse myself in everything that is and will be.
In the past, two of my social circles, both of whom I no longer associate with, bea
t me down and drained the very identity I once knew. It's been a year since I've walked away from both situations and only now am I really ready to begin to heal. I haven't gotten to the point where I can write about exact moments that I felt the world begin to collapse in on me, but for over 2 years it seemed like that feeling was endless. Yet I've always had a group of amazing friends on the side, but they couldn't help me through those times. No one could. The emotional abuse I took from one group and the constant mind games the other group played were so intense, and partly because there was no escape. It was only until last year that I graduated from one and the intermingling of friends in the other group finally ceased.
This past year should have been a triumph, but emotionally I was broken to pieces and the puzzle was larger than life. I've never written my emotions down because my words have been counted by my emotional abusers as worthless. I as an individual was worthless against the whole. Instead of opening my heart to others, I've managed to close myself off from the world and eat my way through the pain. Even people on the internet feel the need to be emotionally abusive for no reason at all and I'm not even talking about weight related issues. So many people are just filled with hate and try to tear people down with them. I'm so glad I have come to this point where I can say that I'm above the bullsh*t.
Despite moving on with my life to a healthier place mentally and emotionally, my life has already been drastically effected. Both fields I studied in college, journalism and politics, requires me to be outspoken. I want nothing more than to be able to speak my mind freely but I don't know how anymore. It's come to a point where I lack passion for my beliefs. I can't even apply myself to get a job because I feel worthless. I know I'm not, but I can't face rejection from the outside world. No one understands just how deep those 2 years have hurt me, and I'm so thankful that I finally found the courage to blog.
It's time for me to rebuild my mental and emotional well being so that I can face the world and start living for me. Writing in this blog has been the very therapy I wish I had before I hit rock bottom, but later is better than never.
A part of building my mental and emotional well being also comes through physical health. Everyone says that when you are physically fit, not only do you look better, but you feel better too. I don't want to lose weight for a guy, they aren't worth it. I actually haven't liked anyone in a while and that's probably because I haven't been happy with myself. How can I expect someone to like me when I don't even like myself. I accept myself and I'm ready to make the changes needed in order to begin to like myself too.
It's easy for me to talk and joke about weight, it's the emotional stuff that is beyond difficult for me to talk about. I don't know why I felt like opening up today, but I'm happy I did.
The last few years I've fought to speak my mind and have always fallen hard. I'm opinionated and open minded at the same time. No one is perfect and knows everything, so why should anyone be rigid in their opinions. If someone is well versed in politics for example, I will be the first to accept and possibly change my views entirely. Life is about being fluid and so few people get that. I know my opinions and ideas tend to be outside of the box, but they are that way for a reason. I'm not a drone. I want to experience more than the status quo. I live to immerse myself in everything that is and will be.
In the past, two of my social circles, both of whom I no longer associate with, bea
t me down and drained the very identity I once knew. It's been a year since I've walked away from both situations and only now am I really ready to begin to heal. I haven't gotten to the point where I can write about exact moments that I felt the world begin to collapse in on me, but for over 2 years it seemed like that feeling was endless. Yet I've always had a group of amazing friends on the side, but they couldn't help me through those times. No one could. The emotional abuse I took from one group and the constant mind games the other group played were so intense, and partly because there was no escape. It was only until last year that I graduated from one and the intermingling of friends in the other group finally ceased.This past year should have been a triumph, but emotionally I was broken to pieces and the puzzle was larger than life. I've never written my emotions down because my words have been counted by my emotional abusers as worthless. I as an individual was worthless against the whole. Instead of opening my heart to others, I've managed to close myself off from the world and eat my way through the pain. Even people on the internet feel the need to be emotionally abusive for no reason at all and I'm not even talking about weight related issues. So many people are just filled with hate and try to tear people down with them. I'm so glad I have come to this point where I can say that I'm above the bullsh*t.
Despite moving on with my life to a healthier place mentally and emotionally, my life has already been drastically effected. Both fields I studied in college, journalism and politics, requires me to be outspoken. I want nothing more than to be able to speak my mind freely but I don't know how anymore. It's come to a point where I lack passion for my beliefs. I can't even apply myself to get a job because I feel worthless. I know I'm not, but I can't face rejection from the outside world. No one understands just how deep those 2 years have hurt me, and I'm so thankful that I finally found the courage to blog.
It's time for me to rebuild my mental and emotional well being so that I can face the world and start living for me. Writing in this blog has been the very therapy I wish I had before I hit rock bottom, but later is better than never.
A part of building my mental and emotional well being also comes through physical health. Everyone says that when you are physically fit, not only do you look better, but you feel better too. I don't want to lose weight for a guy, they aren't worth it. I actually haven't liked anyone in a while and that's probably because I haven't been happy with myself. How can I expect someone to like me when I don't even like myself. I accept myself and I'm ready to make the changes needed in order to begin to like myself too.
It's easy for me to talk and joke about weight, it's the emotional stuff that is beyond difficult for me to talk about. I don't know why I felt like opening up today, but I'm happy I did.
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