Today I watched Oprah's "Best Life Week: Falling Off the Wagon" for the first time. It couldn't have come at a better time. For the past 2 years, I have lost my lust for life. Every action I take is a have and not a want. The first 20 minutes of this episode absolutely moved me. The following are excerpts from Oprah's show and it's direct relation to me.
Oprah said that although she was in the public eye she wanted nothing more than to disappear. "There I am during the Tina and Cher show feeling like, 'How in the world did I let this happen to myself again?'" she says. "I was embarrassed, and I wanted to be anyplace other than there. Tina Turner and Cher are American icons. They still look great. So the anxiety of, 'Okay, now I've got to put myself on a big stage and stand between Tina and Cher and try to make myself not be as big as I am.'"
I experience this situation on a daily basis. My friends are all skinnier than me, many at a size 0. I met them when I was about 140lbs and most have stayed by my side with positive words of encouragement. Those that were anything less than true, I cut ties with immediately realizing that they were poisonous to my mental, emotional, and physical well being. My true friends boosted my confidence and molded me to become independent, however, weight fell short on this list. While some are active, others are vegetarians, and all maintain their bodies behind closed doors. Our friendship did not involve food or exercise, and I was left without the influence of those that practice healthy lifestyles.
My friends live to be in the limelight. Taking pictures are a nightly occurrence to the point where multiple pictures of the same pose are taken in order to get the best photo. It's exactly like a model shoot! At 160lbs, I didn't mind being in pictures because I looked okay. At 180lbs, I don't even want to be around a camera.
"All this year, I've been hiding my body because I didn't want you to see it," Oprah says. "Here I am, one of the most visible people in the world, trying not to be seen on the cover of my own magazine." I am by no means popular, but my friends are. Being around them requires me to have a certain air about me. At this weight I know that I am not up to par with the rest of them and I have gone out of my way to maintain low visibility while my friends light up the very room I seek shade in.
I can't remember the last time I willingly took out my camera and I do my best to avoid others cameras. The worst is when I accidentally appear in a picture that is then blasted all over Facebook. Although my privacy settings don't allow others to see my tagged photos, I can't control who sees it from my friend's page. I'm embarrassed and this is the reason why I don't want to leave my house.
Oprah listed numerous problems that she has in her life that are effecting her health, one of them being that she can't sleep at night. This has been a long time effector in my life. When I am awake night, I eat too much. I've been good about my sleep schedule as of late, but it is a constant struggle that I can't go a day without thinking.
"Oprah's trainer and confidant Bob Greene, creator of The Best Life Diet, says a food addict can't conquer his or her addiction completely. 'This is a problem in your life that's probably going to be a problem in your life for the duration of your life,' he says. 'Your results are simply about how you manage that problem.'" I haven't quite figured out what my problem is, but I have a feeling it has something to do with living from extreme highs and lows since as far back as age 17. I don't know how to live a happy inbetween.
"Bob told Oprah he thought she was suffering from low-grade depression (or dysthmia)." He described it as something being off. "'Your movements are slower. Your responses are slower. There's a dullness about you.' When Bob looked into Oprah's eyes, he says she wasn't really there. 'She was somewhere else. She was very vacant and distracted, and it was alarming to me,' he says. 'I think I felt she was losing her zest for life, and that was one of the saddest moments.'"
When I saw this, I wanted to cry. This is me and has been me for a long time. It's hard to describe the constant emptiness I've been feeling. I don't have love for myself and as much as I want love from others, I am not ready to accept it. I did a search on low grade depression and came across this personal story and solution on Overcoming Low Grade Depression:
"Novona, one of Oprah's personal assistants, creates a schedule where she put's Oprah back on the list by setting aside time for personal things like workouts, manicures and meditation." When I started this blog, I also bought myself a brand new day planner. I love organization even though my life lacks it, but buying things like hangers, day planners and other organizational items makes me happy. It's learning how to use those items that can sometimes be uneasy. Two weeks in and I am still using my day planner to create balance. Despite the fact I don't have obligations like work or school, I still need a day planner to schedule in activities that will improve my life like exercise and reading. It's both a reminder and a guilt trip written in pen.
Finally, Bob asked the audience "What am I craving?" I am craving love, friendship and the confidence in myself to get the career I deserve. I will work to feed this hunger. "We all need to make 2009 the year we give ourselves as much love and support as we give to others," said Oprah. I'm going to make the effort because I deserve the very best. Lastly, I deserve order in my life.
Oprah said that although she was in the public eye she wanted nothing more than to disappear. "There I am during the Tina and Cher show feeling like, 'How in the world did I let this happen to myself again?'" she says. "I was embarrassed, and I wanted to be anyplace other than there. Tina Turner and Cher are American icons. They still look great. So the anxiety of, 'Okay, now I've got to put myself on a big stage and stand between Tina and Cher and try to make myself not be as big as I am.'"I experience this situation on a daily basis. My friends are all skinnier than me, many at a size 0. I met them when I was about 140lbs and most have stayed by my side with positive words of encouragement. Those that were anything less than true, I cut ties with immediately realizing that they were poisonous to my mental, emotional, and physical well being. My true friends boosted my confidence and molded me to become independent, however, weight fell short on this list. While some are active, others are vegetarians, and all maintain their bodies behind closed doors. Our friendship did not involve food or exercise, and I was left without the influence of those that practice healthy lifestyles.
My friends live to be in the limelight. Taking pictures are a nightly occurrence to the point where multiple pictures of the same pose are taken in order to get the best photo. It's exactly like a model shoot! At 160lbs, I didn't mind being in pictures because I looked okay. At 180lbs, I don't even want to be around a camera.
"All this year, I've been hiding my body because I didn't want you to see it," Oprah says. "Here I am, one of the most visible people in the world, trying not to be seen on the cover of my own magazine." I am by no means popular, but my friends are. Being around them requires me to have a certain air about me. At this weight I know that I am not up to par with the rest of them and I have gone out of my way to maintain low visibility while my friends light up the very room I seek shade in.
I can't remember the last time I willingly took out my camera and I do my best to avoid others cameras. The worst is when I accidentally appear in a picture that is then blasted all over Facebook. Although my privacy settings don't allow others to see my tagged photos, I can't control who sees it from my friend's page. I'm embarrassed and this is the reason why I don't want to leave my house.
Oprah listed numerous problems that she has in her life that are effecting her health, one of them being that she can't sleep at night. This has been a long time effector in my life. When I am awake night, I eat too much. I've been good about my sleep schedule as of late, but it is a constant struggle that I can't go a day without thinking.
"Oprah's trainer and confidant Bob Greene, creator of The Best Life Diet, says a food addict can't conquer his or her addiction completely. 'This is a problem in your life that's probably going to be a problem in your life for the duration of your life,' he says. 'Your results are simply about how you manage that problem.'" I haven't quite figured out what my problem is, but I have a feeling it has something to do with living from extreme highs and lows since as far back as age 17. I don't know how to live a happy inbetween."Bob told Oprah he thought she was suffering from low-grade depression (or dysthmia)." He described it as something being off. "'Your movements are slower. Your responses are slower. There's a dullness about you.' When Bob looked into Oprah's eyes, he says she wasn't really there. 'She was somewhere else. She was very vacant and distracted, and it was alarming to me,' he says. 'I think I felt she was losing her zest for life, and that was one of the saddest moments.'"
When I saw this, I wanted to cry. This is me and has been me for a long time. It's hard to describe the constant emptiness I've been feeling. I don't have love for myself and as much as I want love from others, I am not ready to accept it. I did a search on low grade depression and came across this personal story and solution on Overcoming Low Grade Depression:
"Exercise really does help to lift your mood, as it will help increase the serotonin levels in your brain, which has been shown to play crucial role in our emotional wellbeing. People suffering with depression often have low levels of serotonin. Regular exercise will also increase your sense of confidence, so get a routine, even if its just for 20minutes a day 2-3 a week you’ll feel the benefit after just a few weeks. Just try it!"I feel as though I already knew this, but seeing this information juxtaposed with low grade depression further proves that some solutions work for multiple problems. Bob made so much sense when he said "If you don't feel fulfilled and you're not taking of care of yourself, food becomes much more attractive. It's a way to comfort yourself in hard times." The question is after confronting the issue, how do I learn to love myself and let others love me? To a certain degree, writing this blog has let me open up to myself in a way that I have been closed off to the world for sometime. I can finally speak my mind and help myself. Maybe this is me finally loving myself.
"Novona, one of Oprah's personal assistants, creates a schedule where she put's Oprah back on the list by setting aside time for personal things like workouts, manicures and meditation." When I started this blog, I also bought myself a brand new day planner. I love organization even though my life lacks it, but buying things like hangers, day planners and other organizational items makes me happy. It's learning how to use those items that can sometimes be uneasy. Two weeks in and I am still using my day planner to create balance. Despite the fact I don't have obligations like work or school, I still need a day planner to schedule in activities that will improve my life like exercise and reading. It's both a reminder and a guilt trip written in pen.
Finally, Bob asked the audience "What am I craving?" I am craving love, friendship and the confidence in myself to get the career I deserve. I will work to feed this hunger. "We all need to make 2009 the year we give ourselves as much love and support as we give to others," said Oprah. I'm going to make the effort because I deserve the very best. Lastly, I deserve order in my life.
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